The lust and near Love

The Lust at first sight.

On a short job contract so frustrating, we sat next to each other in silence.
We would occasionally smile at each other but the words could not come out.

Earlier in the day, we entered the same Vehicle heading for the set. He entered a little later than everyone. Interesting, I thought. My thoughts instantly drifted. I did not think of him again until the silent moment outside.

Eventually, we worked through the awkward silence and exchanged names, places of origin and just had a chat.

This little gig of our turned out to be for a longer period than I thought. We meet again and we got more comfortable and more tense with each other. I have never had a guy make me want to look at him all the time.

The tension was such that everyone felt it. People started asking if I have seen him or if he is coming that day. I wanted, so badly, to touch him. Even now I can feel that hunger.

Eventually I ended up going to his place. The consequences of a frustrating day. I needed someone to talk to. My best friend was not talking to me and I was not in the mood to show or receive animosity.

He let me talk and rant about how awful the day was and how mean people were. But, even with the anger, I could feel the hunger. When he looked at me, I knew we were thinking the same thing. I am sure either of us knew what those thoughts were exactly; or maybe I did not know.

“I want to sleep” I said. What I really wanted to say is ‘ I want to kiss so badly, it hurts’ but my being me wouldn’t let me.
“Me too,” he said. The look in his eyes scared me. It was almost animalistic.
Oh god, I said out loud.
His lips were on mine and it is almost like we were trying to eat each other.

The lights went off and we were tagging at each other’s clothes.
I laughed when he said how much he had wanted to shut me up and kiss me. I kept thinking ‘you should have because it felt so good’.

“No....” I thought it in my head and then said it out loud. The sound of the zipper being opened is the reality that woke me up from the dream. What was I doing? I was about to have sex! The realization sent me pushing and moving away.
I was not ready for this. The need to touch him was so strong but, I could not do this. I told and I told him why. I had never done it before and I was not sure I wanted to do it then. I had spent a lifetime promising myself to the man I marry and no matter how much I wanted to I could let me.

I could see that he was confused and surprised. I understood it. I even understood the frustration and the hunger/anger in his eyes. I touched him then. I needed him to understand that I was in pain. It was not his alone.
“I am sorry,” I said. I touched his face. So soft, it was. And somehow, tears came down.

He pulled and held me. “Don’t cry,” he said, “It is okay”
He kissed me and I realized how frustrating this was.
We talked and somehow we kept touching and killing ourselves.
“We do not have to go all the way...” he suggested.
But, I knew how crazy dangerous that could be but, desire won over reason.

I did not sleep with him but we might as well have. I have tried to put on paper what happened in that room, but I just can not. He touched n ways I did not at that time think possible. He saw who I was and I was not afraid. I loved the contrast of our bodies. It was like milk and honey. So different, so exciting.

This became my dangerous adventure, something I could look forward to. He loved he said. When I said it back, he did not believe me. I do not blame him. At that time I said it because it was only fair to say it back.

I do not know if I loved him but, I do know I hurt him. One of those mistakes you remember. I let my prejudice and my friends prejudice shame him. he said he forgives me but I know he never did. I lost him then and the ending was long overdue.

We were different and I was scared of one day not being with him. It did not matter that he told his roommates about me or that he bragged about this lady that he met. I was scared and I knew this is not for the long run and it hurt. So, I decided to get out before he does.

I saw him one more time before he left. I probably hurt him again because I let what people thought interfere with what we felt.

“If I was to do it all over again, I would not let you go,” he wrote to me.
The sweetest words I have ever read.

It is over and we are now in the place we belong. Maybe our memories will keep us alive in each other’s heart. I do not know about him, but I will probably remember the first guy to get me naked (literally) for a long time.

The diamond,the one who was not...