Dancing in green..

Interesting, she thought.

It seemed that to her that she was destined to be attracted to men who were different from her. Conditioning of a childhood in which she could not properly fit in sometimes because she was the darker one, always the darker one.

Is it that wrong for a woman to desire that her children would not be judged harshly because of the colour of their skin? A question she had asked herself on so many sleepless nights. She did not want her children to treat people differently because of the shade of their skin but, she wanted them to have the opportunities that come with being light skinned. Well, she did not have those children to teach, yet.

So here she was standing in the floodlight, looking at the man with his chicken piece.
“Can I have that piece please?” she asked the man.
He turned and stared. Then, his eyes swept downwards.
Why did she decide to wear the brown kaftan today of all days. It just did not help a bulging figure. It seemed the only thing that had and is constant in her life is the weight gain.
As he looked at her she felt fat and in so much light ugly.
"Smile.... smile," she thought.
At least the smile usually worked in her favour.

“I will find a piece that is better than mine,” he said. The smile was cute but the teeth not so good. His light skin though, made his face pretty.
She could have let it be but here he was talking and smiling and it looked really good to her. A little teasing fun never hurt anyone, kind of.

In the end, she did not get his piecemeal chicken but, she got five minutes of fun ribbing and teasing. That had to be worth something on such a slow night and in such a crowd. How was one supposed to compete with the barely dressed school children?
“Was that originally a skirt, sweetheart?” she silently asked the girl in front of her.
She sighed, back to reality. It is a good thing she was a girlfriends’ girl. She loved to party with her girls. She would never abandon them for a guy unless he was superman because she would have no choice.

The party continued and the crowd got thicker. They were all tired. It was time to go home.
“I feel like my bones are breaking. Are we that old?” Jesse asked
“Well in this crowd, we probably are...” Lila replied.
They all started giggling. It was a little true. None of them was above thirty but they were looking at thirty straight in the eye. But, what made them older was the fact that the crowd in the place averaged the age of 22, probably.

“Let’s go home, mamas...” she joked.
They left laughing. It was good fun.
Something that they needed to do once and a while to keep themselves sane.
She wondered how they ever got old enough to have careers and have no time for fun. Well, they had 2 days and fun they will have. But for now, she needed sleep.

After the goodbyes, they went their separate ways.
“Alone again, I wonder what the man in green is doing...”

That was her last thought before her thoughts trailed off to the darkness.

................................................................................................................................................

ten ways to loose the way - part 4

Was I really that into him or was I just that desperate? I do not which one between those two sound better.

When he said that he wants a real date, I thought that he was falling for me. I do not know what gave me that clue. Let us see...mmhhh... maybe it was the fact that he never called and no longer bothered with the excuses.
Should have had my head checked then.

It took me sitting on my bed fully dressed waiting for him to call, to knock back to reality.
I waited for about a month for that call. Hilarious now but back then it hurt, really hurt.

He left the country and did not bother to tell me, the woman he was sleeping with. I would not have known he had left if he had not said he had just come back!

Unfortunately the first one turned out to be an asshole. The thing about that is you do not get over him as easily as you have others before.

I could bore some poor soul somewhere with all the details but it is just not worth it.

It ended and I learnt how to not answer that call, not give in to the temptation to respond.

He broke me a bit there but. I am not out yet.

Now creep, leave me alone!

Ten ways to loose the way - part 3

First thing in the morning, I got myself the pill. This was fast becoming the week of the first times. I wondered if every girl went through this. Did the day after, make you feel so awful.

He messaged later asking how I was feeling. I ranted about the events of the morning and how awful and unsure I felt. Did he seem a wee bit unconcerned or had I got the paranoia too.

He did not get in touch for almost three days. Note, I am not the kind of girl who does the panic mode just because a guy has not called for a few days or weeks. But, he was the only one I could talk to about what happened. He was turning me to the waiting on type. Could I hate him any more than I did then?

Used was never a word I would use on myself but there was no other that as it did, now.
At last I threw away my womanly pride and self respect and called him. He told me that he had been so busy that he truly did not have time to call but he wanted to call. it would have been so funny if it was not me on the other side of the call.
Oh did I mention that he was from watching football but could not lift his cell phone and dial a number.

I should have made the pain stop then but I, like most girls, have a problem with letting go. Maybe it is true, you never forget the first person. Funnily, I knew he had made the hit and he was searching for a way out. I knew that but I still could not stop.

I hanged up and my body was shaking. I was furious with him but more with me. I was hurt and I was in pain. I had to suck it up, literally. I had to act normal; I could not let anyone find out about my secret. I could not show the sadness.

You would think this betrayal would keep me away from him. But, he called and I once again ignored my better judgement. He said he wanted to take me out for coffee. I thought that is a real date or looks like one and I wanted so much to be not so wrong.

On that day, I prepared myself and I was smiling. He kept me waiting for four hours, needless to say I was not smiling when I saw him. He had a meeting, he said. He is sorry, he added.

We went for coffee. We talked about things that I had no business discussing with him. He gave plenty of reasons to wake up from this nightmare but I am clearly the one who would not shake me awake. After coffee, he asked to go with him to the office to pick up something and I can see it too. I thought okay, that should be quick.

I have nightmares about that office even now. How could I agree to the floor and the office? If I thought I was disappointing earlier, I was clearly wrong. I would never be able to forgive that one. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.

I was possessed by the devil; of that I am convinced.
Back home, the soap would not wash away the disgust, the feelings of unworthiness and the cheapness.
I could not cry. I really could not cry!

Ten ways to loose the way - part 2

“You promised and you can not back out now”
He made it sound like an accusation. He made me feel unreliable and untrustworthy. Or, was I just giving myself a reason to go through with this mistake. I knew I would give in. I was going through with it.
“Am coming...”

As I put the phone down, the dread set in. the nagging voice asking me if I was sure, was on overdrive. I suppressed it all. This was my mistake to make. It was done.
I went to him.

I did not want to go through the pre-dance. I could not change my mind so why make myself think that I could.
“Let’s just go back to your place”
I could not stand the waiting; the sacrificial lamb feeling which I did not deserve. I had a choice to say no and I had decided I will not use that option.

You know how the romance novels depict love making as the most amazing feeling in the world. Well, I no longer read them or rather I am not sure they tell the whole truth.
When he said can I kiss you, I thought that it was romantic for him to ask. But the touches afterward made me feel cheap. I know it is a strange thing to say especially if this is the obvious ending to a love story. I hate obvious endings.

I have always pictured my first time as being the single most fantastic moment of my life. But there I was going through the most excruciating pain of my life and the man doing the deed grunting. I was sickened and I wanted it to stop.
I kept thinking this is so overrated.
I hated it and I hated him.

I had spent almost three decades saving myself for this moment? It felt so wrong and ugly that I knew then that I have probably made the worst decision of my life.

When he stopped, I just wanted him out of me and off me. Then I needed to wash and throw up until the feeling of disgust went away.

“Wasn’t it great for you baby?” he had quite the balls to ask.
I did not know what to say. I hated it and I thought it was either a lie or he just did a bad job. That was not love making.

As I looked up to his face, I wondered how I could like this guy and feel repulsed by his touch. I had to get out of that room before I screamed at me and at the world but mostly to me, the fool.

After the shower, I felt better and nicer. He drove me home, kissed me and he was gone.
I went right to my room and slept or at least pretended to. I stayed up all night. I chastised myself for doing what I did then I went though the panic stage. What if some little swimmer had gotten through and I am pregnant. What if, what if.........

Ten ways to loose the way - part 1

So Innocent!

So like every girl in the planet, it turns out I am very capable of being very stupid. Quite disappointing and tiring. So I let my insecurities and loneliness turn into the chic. The girl who throws away all integrity for a man. I am thinking Vanessa teaming up with chuck bass to get Nate. And just how lost can I get? Let’s see...

It started with the messages. Just friends and just getting to know each other. Then came the obsession to constantly talk. Then the message etiquette line crossed. I felt like we had known each other forever. We understood each other. I wanted to feed (this statement sounds like the appropriate description). I was disillusioned by the world not so familiar to me and I needed something to obsess over. Though in my case, it was someone to obsess over.

“Hello!” I was quiet surprised to get Ce’s phone call and so early in the morning.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I am fine. Why are you asking?”
For those who I have failed in their quest to date me, you know that I love morning messages and phone calls. So I loved the early morning attention.
“I thought you are angry with me. Are you?” He asked. He sounded nervous and worried.
I explained that I was serious about taking some time off from the phone romance because it was getting a little too obsessive for me.
“I miss you and I do not want to take time off from us.” Those words made me smile or grin. I felt happy and excited and he added that he apologizes for acting like a jealous boyfriend whose girlfriend had slept out. My already weak resolve to stop a mistake before its done washed away.

I enjoyed the attention and the feelings I had. And In order to stay on that high, I ignored all the obvious signs. As time went by I was the one who had to keep those lines of communication open and he will have so many excuses on why he no longer paid that much attention. Come to think of it some of those excuses were outright ridiculous.
“I was in the countryside and had no access to the phone or internet.”
I was very Naïve and a little desperate. I looked down on myself and I could not read my mind. What was I thinking?

Somehow I managed to wean myself off him or so I thought. When he called and said we are going to meet at last, I was back on breast milk. The anticipation and the need was back. I knew even then that I am about to make a major mistake but somehow it was like I was watching myself self-destruct. If I had stopped for just a second I might have warned myself of the dangers of my behavior. Wait a minute, I did stop! I wanted to be crazy, to do something that was not me.

He came to town. He promised that I will be the first person he calls when he jets in. if that was true, how come he was already rested when he called? I am quite the sleuth now but when it mattered I was terrifyingly unintelligent.

I met him for lunch. He was not exactly as I pictured. In fact if it was not for I already knew him, I would not be attracted to him at all. He looked young for his ears, hated his teeth but he had a pleasant enough case. I had thought of him as a short guy but it turned out he was okay, a little taller than me. I hated his clothes. Linen pants were and are still ugly for anyone. We had an okay talk during lunch, checked each other out and maybe approved.

That night he told me that he had wanted to jump me so badly during lunch. I giggled!
“Remember what I promised you?”
No, I said but I remembered perfectly what he had promised to do to me. It would have been completely inappropriate if it wasn’t absolute turn-on.
I ended up agreeing to the meeting. When the phone went, I felt a shiver run through me. I was scared and then I was excited and then I was hopeless.

I knew it even then.

The cute one.

The party was weird to say the least. My ex was there with his new girl. all his friends were somehow avoiding me and hanging with her. Sounds like juvenile feuds were going on and it was.

Thank God for my friends. We had somehow become the pariahs. Or we just separated ourselves. Looking around I would say that there was a kind of mistrust in the room. There were little groups formed in different corners. Ours was totally the coolest, for sure.

What I like about extremely cute people is they are so easy to spot. We all magically somehow, spotted him at the same time. There was this guy laughing with his friends. pretty would be the word to use and tall, the perfect combination. We all nodded in agreement. The night had just gotten interesting.

We teased each about who can get him. Man magnet, as we called one of my best friends, voted her as the one to watch in the upcoming trials. Been a while, I had not seen a guy I wanted to wager for a long time.
“I can so get him” I said. Amazingly, I actually meant it.
There was the oppositions and the Nos but for some reason I thought this could work out in my favour.

I am not a daredevil but I can play the Dare just as good as anyone else.
One of my friends called over one of his friends and asked for information. The 411 download was activated.
“Come, I will introduce you,” one of his friends offered.
I hesitated for just a second.
“Sure, let’s go”

The introduction entailed me saying hi and smiling to all their friends before I got to the target of my efforts. Here is the appropriate place to remember another characteristic of an extremely goolooking person. They know it. They know that you know that they are beautiful. You can not hide the fact that you think that they are attractive.
He knew.
“Hi, how are you?”
I mastered all the ladylike easiness I had learnt to keep from choking or shaking.
“Hi “he said. He flashed one of those smiles that you want to go on for ever.
I was hooked
Later, his group joined my group and his hand found mine. I got the date by the end of the evening. So that it be known, yes, I totally put myself out there. I made myself available. Played all the right keys and the music swayed the crowd.

The date was the movies then maybe some dancing. I never made it to the movies nor for dancing. It was not for a good reason. He, the pretty one, decided that it would better to sit by the waters and talk! What? The whole point of saying you want to go to the movies is to avoid the irritating ‘so tell me about yourself’ conversation. We talked, we starred out at the water and he held my hand. I think I was so blinded by him the night before that I did not realize that I was not attracted to him.
‘Damn! ‘I thought. It was a little late for realization.

At the end of that night, I was relieved. Then I remembered what he asked, “will you be my girlfriend?”
And I was more mortified by my answer, “yes!”
I said yes! What was I doing!

So on subsequent dates I learnt a few things about Mr. Pretty. He was selfish, always broke and a liar. I was not even we could hold a conversation. It is not that we had all bad moments but the great ones were few. Oh, he was a control freak! I had to tell him where I was going and with whom before I stepped out of my flat. That never happened. I would turn up in a club with my friends and voila! His friends would be there and the next thing I know, he is there. Coincidence, I do not think so.

I did try to be a girlfriend. Second time lucky, I hoped. The only time I was in the club with him, he imprisoned me by his side. It was like I had a real live shadow. I could not breathe and that marked the end of us clubbing together.

The first and only time I went to his place was fun until, he tried to force into sleeping with him. You know how heavier a guy becomes when he is horny, very heavy. I have never been so scared. I kept thinking that I deserved to get myself attacked, I did this to me. I repelled that attack, luckily.

We made out on the balcony and did a little bit more but with him I was sure I was not ready. He was not the one.

It ended badly. He went back to sleeping with his neighbour and I went back to being free.

Pretty boys, the ascent of not so fun times!

The lust and near Love

The Lust at first sight.

On a short job contract so frustrating, we sat next to each other in silence.
We would occasionally smile at each other but the words could not come out.

Earlier in the day, we entered the same Vehicle heading for the set. He entered a little later than everyone. Interesting, I thought. My thoughts instantly drifted. I did not think of him again until the silent moment outside.

Eventually, we worked through the awkward silence and exchanged names, places of origin and just had a chat.

This little gig of our turned out to be for a longer period than I thought. We meet again and we got more comfortable and more tense with each other. I have never had a guy make me want to look at him all the time.

The tension was such that everyone felt it. People started asking if I have seen him or if he is coming that day. I wanted, so badly, to touch him. Even now I can feel that hunger.

Eventually I ended up going to his place. The consequences of a frustrating day. I needed someone to talk to. My best friend was not talking to me and I was not in the mood to show or receive animosity.

He let me talk and rant about how awful the day was and how mean people were. But, even with the anger, I could feel the hunger. When he looked at me, I knew we were thinking the same thing. I am sure either of us knew what those thoughts were exactly; or maybe I did not know.

“I want to sleep” I said. What I really wanted to say is ‘ I want to kiss so badly, it hurts’ but my being me wouldn’t let me.
“Me too,” he said. The look in his eyes scared me. It was almost animalistic.
Oh god, I said out loud.
His lips were on mine and it is almost like we were trying to eat each other.

The lights went off and we were tagging at each other’s clothes.
I laughed when he said how much he had wanted to shut me up and kiss me. I kept thinking ‘you should have because it felt so good’.

“No....” I thought it in my head and then said it out loud. The sound of the zipper being opened is the reality that woke me up from the dream. What was I doing? I was about to have sex! The realization sent me pushing and moving away.
I was not ready for this. The need to touch him was so strong but, I could not do this. I told and I told him why. I had never done it before and I was not sure I wanted to do it then. I had spent a lifetime promising myself to the man I marry and no matter how much I wanted to I could let me.

I could see that he was confused and surprised. I understood it. I even understood the frustration and the hunger/anger in his eyes. I touched him then. I needed him to understand that I was in pain. It was not his alone.
“I am sorry,” I said. I touched his face. So soft, it was. And somehow, tears came down.

He pulled and held me. “Don’t cry,” he said, “It is okay”
He kissed me and I realized how frustrating this was.
We talked and somehow we kept touching and killing ourselves.
“We do not have to go all the way...” he suggested.
But, I knew how crazy dangerous that could be but, desire won over reason.

I did not sleep with him but we might as well have. I have tried to put on paper what happened in that room, but I just can not. He touched n ways I did not at that time think possible. He saw who I was and I was not afraid. I loved the contrast of our bodies. It was like milk and honey. So different, so exciting.

This became my dangerous adventure, something I could look forward to. He loved he said. When I said it back, he did not believe me. I do not blame him. At that time I said it because it was only fair to say it back.

I do not know if I loved him but, I do know I hurt him. One of those mistakes you remember. I let my prejudice and my friends prejudice shame him. he said he forgives me but I know he never did. I lost him then and the ending was long overdue.

We were different and I was scared of one day not being with him. It did not matter that he told his roommates about me or that he bragged about this lady that he met. I was scared and I knew this is not for the long run and it hurt. So, I decided to get out before he does.

I saw him one more time before he left. I probably hurt him again because I let what people thought interfere with what we felt.

“If I was to do it all over again, I would not let you go,” he wrote to me.
The sweetest words I have ever read.

It is over and we are now in the place we belong. Maybe our memories will keep us alive in each other’s heart. I do not know about him, but I will probably remember the first guy to get me naked (literally) for a long time.

The diamond,the one who was not...

The Boyfriend

The boyfriend.

I decided that, I was not interested in dating. I did not want to be one of those girls that someone did. Probably paranoia or just low self esteem was at play here. But, in the end peer pressure won over principles. I accepted Qi’s ‘proposal’. I called him up and told him that I accept to be what he wanted me to be. I had a problem being or being called the girlfriend. I might still have issues with it now!

Qi was nice but Qi and Me not so nice. I think the so not nice part was me. I hated being the girlfriend, most of the time anyway. I realized that I liked the relationship only because it gave some form of ammunition against people who thought it odd to prefer being single. Truth be told though, I think I liked the company, the not so lonely times and the attention.

When Qi decided to follow me and try to make me his, I do not think he was really into it. I think he figured I was the last girl and he was the last boy standing so instant need. I remember that in the beginning, he was into my friend. Begged her for a date, for days. That did not work out and, in came the need to be with me. If he was clever he would have known that I would never forgive anyone for making me the second choice.

I was the back up plan for Qi but in the end he made the ultimate mistake, He fell in love with me. I actually feel sad that that happened. I could and would not fall for him. My heart had been closed p long before he came into the picture.

I spent most of my time with Al. so much so that even Qi thought I was sleeping with him. He accepted that with him he could not compete. It was almost as if he had given me a free card when it came to the best friend. When I think about it now, I tortured him unnecessarily. I did not know how to be someone’s girlfriend at that time. I was scared.

We eventually broke up but it officially took three years. I was not anything close to a girlfriend. Funnily when he got another one, I was jealous. I did not want him but I did not want anyone to have him. Sadly, I am a girl!

We stopped being friends. He became abusive to the girl. And the last thing I remember him telling me is that I will one day feel the pain he had with me.

That might actually be coming true but that another post.

Am sorry Qi...

The Best Friend

The thing about new countries is they give you brand new dreams. You hope that things will be different. When I went afar, I was excited to be away from home, from the same old. In with the new. Freedom!

As with every story there is always the boy who was just a dream. I met Al, the cutest guy I have ever seen. But, as luck would have it, he wanted my friend not me. He was willing to use me to get her though. I could say a lot of things about Al but the one thing that would be absolutely true is, he was the kindest guy I have ever had in my life.

He and my friend did not work out but him and I became best friends. He was the guy I would call when I was alone and I wanted company. He would bring breakfast and he would make sure I was okay.

It still hurt though when he told me that even though we were ‘soul mates’ I was not his type. A totally different spin on the meaning of soul mates. Kind of funny. I was hurt. We were friends and I knew that we could not be more but it still hurt when he put it in words. My best friend was my biggest crush then and, the one who hurt me the most.

The one thing I probably learnt then is that, I am not world pretty. I am not the girl who gets the most good looking guy in the room. I am not the first choice when I guy is on the prowl. Oh wait a minute, the prowl thing would totally depend on the hormone levels or a little on the intoxication levels. Laugh laugh!

I also learnt that I am not ugly (had some issues) because I had quite the fun following. But still I could not get everything I wanted and that was maddening and hurtful.

I guess in a way the realization that I could not have all I wanted, made me withdraw. I became harder to get. I felt safer. I became a watcher, an observer of the rituals rather than a participant.

My best friend remained that. In time I realized that I had become influential in his life. I could get anything I wanted out of him and in his eyes I could do no wrong. I slept on the same bed with him on plenty of nights. We would talk until we felt sleepy then, we would each turn to our side and sleep. I still don’t believe it myself sometimes.

I have been asked many a times, did we do anything. My answer has been totally honest, never. We were friends and absolutely platonic. But, once as I slept I felt him touch me and I turned to tell him to move. When he opened his eyes and said yes, I saw desire in his eyes. I turned away. “go to sleep,” I told him. I was so scared that he would touch me again. I knew that if he did, I would fall. I would fall! He did not touch me again.

We never spoke about it and our lives continued as if nothing happened.

He remains one of the best friends I have ever had.

waiting and exhaling!

I have been trying to write the story of my life, forever, literally. I have reached a part of my life where regret is nagging at me and I have second guessed almost all the decisions I made so confidently in the past. I hate this part!

Truth be told I wish I could choose a different road on so many of those crossroads gone. But, I know that if I was to redo it all again, Ii would do pretty much the same thing. Was any of it right. Am I panicking too early? These are questions that are plaguing my mind. It is scary that I might actually know the answers to these questions.

These are the lamentations of a person not so sure of how this grown up world works. I am going backwards and then forward again. I want to look at what has been the life I have led. Has it been the life I wanted? Have I been too scared to live my life?

I do not know, I really don't!