Ten ways to loose the way - part 1

So Innocent!

So like every girl in the planet, it turns out I am very capable of being very stupid. Quite disappointing and tiring. So I let my insecurities and loneliness turn into the chic. The girl who throws away all integrity for a man. I am thinking Vanessa teaming up with chuck bass to get Nate. And just how lost can I get? Let’s see...

It started with the messages. Just friends and just getting to know each other. Then came the obsession to constantly talk. Then the message etiquette line crossed. I felt like we had known each other forever. We understood each other. I wanted to feed (this statement sounds like the appropriate description). I was disillusioned by the world not so familiar to me and I needed something to obsess over. Though in my case, it was someone to obsess over.

“Hello!” I was quiet surprised to get Ce’s phone call and so early in the morning.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I am fine. Why are you asking?”
For those who I have failed in their quest to date me, you know that I love morning messages and phone calls. So I loved the early morning attention.
“I thought you are angry with me. Are you?” He asked. He sounded nervous and worried.
I explained that I was serious about taking some time off from the phone romance because it was getting a little too obsessive for me.
“I miss you and I do not want to take time off from us.” Those words made me smile or grin. I felt happy and excited and he added that he apologizes for acting like a jealous boyfriend whose girlfriend had slept out. My already weak resolve to stop a mistake before its done washed away.

I enjoyed the attention and the feelings I had. And In order to stay on that high, I ignored all the obvious signs. As time went by I was the one who had to keep those lines of communication open and he will have so many excuses on why he no longer paid that much attention. Come to think of it some of those excuses were outright ridiculous.
“I was in the countryside and had no access to the phone or internet.”
I was very Naïve and a little desperate. I looked down on myself and I could not read my mind. What was I thinking?

Somehow I managed to wean myself off him or so I thought. When he called and said we are going to meet at last, I was back on breast milk. The anticipation and the need was back. I knew even then that I am about to make a major mistake but somehow it was like I was watching myself self-destruct. If I had stopped for just a second I might have warned myself of the dangers of my behavior. Wait a minute, I did stop! I wanted to be crazy, to do something that was not me.

He came to town. He promised that I will be the first person he calls when he jets in. if that was true, how come he was already rested when he called? I am quite the sleuth now but when it mattered I was terrifyingly unintelligent.

I met him for lunch. He was not exactly as I pictured. In fact if it was not for I already knew him, I would not be attracted to him at all. He looked young for his ears, hated his teeth but he had a pleasant enough case. I had thought of him as a short guy but it turned out he was okay, a little taller than me. I hated his clothes. Linen pants were and are still ugly for anyone. We had an okay talk during lunch, checked each other out and maybe approved.

That night he told me that he had wanted to jump me so badly during lunch. I giggled!
“Remember what I promised you?”
No, I said but I remembered perfectly what he had promised to do to me. It would have been completely inappropriate if it wasn’t absolute turn-on.
I ended up agreeing to the meeting. When the phone went, I felt a shiver run through me. I was scared and then I was excited and then I was hopeless.

I knew it even then.