Ten ways to loose the way - part 2

“You promised and you can not back out now”
He made it sound like an accusation. He made me feel unreliable and untrustworthy. Or, was I just giving myself a reason to go through with this mistake. I knew I would give in. I was going through with it.
“Am coming...”

As I put the phone down, the dread set in. the nagging voice asking me if I was sure, was on overdrive. I suppressed it all. This was my mistake to make. It was done.
I went to him.

I did not want to go through the pre-dance. I could not change my mind so why make myself think that I could.
“Let’s just go back to your place”
I could not stand the waiting; the sacrificial lamb feeling which I did not deserve. I had a choice to say no and I had decided I will not use that option.

You know how the romance novels depict love making as the most amazing feeling in the world. Well, I no longer read them or rather I am not sure they tell the whole truth.
When he said can I kiss you, I thought that it was romantic for him to ask. But the touches afterward made me feel cheap. I know it is a strange thing to say especially if this is the obvious ending to a love story. I hate obvious endings.

I have always pictured my first time as being the single most fantastic moment of my life. But there I was going through the most excruciating pain of my life and the man doing the deed grunting. I was sickened and I wanted it to stop.
I kept thinking this is so overrated.
I hated it and I hated him.

I had spent almost three decades saving myself for this moment? It felt so wrong and ugly that I knew then that I have probably made the worst decision of my life.

When he stopped, I just wanted him out of me and off me. Then I needed to wash and throw up until the feeling of disgust went away.

“Wasn’t it great for you baby?” he had quite the balls to ask.
I did not know what to say. I hated it and I thought it was either a lie or he just did a bad job. That was not love making.

As I looked up to his face, I wondered how I could like this guy and feel repulsed by his touch. I had to get out of that room before I screamed at me and at the world but mostly to me, the fool.

After the shower, I felt better and nicer. He drove me home, kissed me and he was gone.
I went right to my room and slept or at least pretended to. I stayed up all night. I chastised myself for doing what I did then I went though the panic stage. What if some little swimmer had gotten through and I am pregnant. What if, what if.........