Dancing in green..

Interesting, she thought.

It seemed that to her that she was destined to be attracted to men who were different from her. Conditioning of a childhood in which she could not properly fit in sometimes because she was the darker one, always the darker one.

Is it that wrong for a woman to desire that her children would not be judged harshly because of the colour of their skin? A question she had asked herself on so many sleepless nights. She did not want her children to treat people differently because of the shade of their skin but, she wanted them to have the opportunities that come with being light skinned. Well, she did not have those children to teach, yet.

So here she was standing in the floodlight, looking at the man with his chicken piece.
“Can I have that piece please?” she asked the man.
He turned and stared. Then, his eyes swept downwards.
Why did she decide to wear the brown kaftan today of all days. It just did not help a bulging figure. It seemed the only thing that had and is constant in her life is the weight gain.
As he looked at her she felt fat and in so much light ugly.
"Smile.... smile," she thought.
At least the smile usually worked in her favour.

“I will find a piece that is better than mine,” he said. The smile was cute but the teeth not so good. His light skin though, made his face pretty.
She could have let it be but here he was talking and smiling and it looked really good to her. A little teasing fun never hurt anyone, kind of.

In the end, she did not get his piecemeal chicken but, she got five minutes of fun ribbing and teasing. That had to be worth something on such a slow night and in such a crowd. How was one supposed to compete with the barely dressed school children?
“Was that originally a skirt, sweetheart?” she silently asked the girl in front of her.
She sighed, back to reality. It is a good thing she was a girlfriends’ girl. She loved to party with her girls. She would never abandon them for a guy unless he was superman because she would have no choice.

The party continued and the crowd got thicker. They were all tired. It was time to go home.
“I feel like my bones are breaking. Are we that old?” Jesse asked
“Well in this crowd, we probably are...” Lila replied.
They all started giggling. It was a little true. None of them was above thirty but they were looking at thirty straight in the eye. But, what made them older was the fact that the crowd in the place averaged the age of 22, probably.

“Let’s go home, mamas...” she joked.
They left laughing. It was good fun.
Something that they needed to do once and a while to keep themselves sane.
She wondered how they ever got old enough to have careers and have no time for fun. Well, they had 2 days and fun they will have. But for now, she needed sleep.

After the goodbyes, they went their separate ways.
“Alone again, I wonder what the man in green is doing...”

That was her last thought before her thoughts trailed off to the darkness.

................................................................................................................................................

ten ways to loose the way - part 4

Was I really that into him or was I just that desperate? I do not which one between those two sound better.

When he said that he wants a real date, I thought that he was falling for me. I do not know what gave me that clue. Let us see...mmhhh... maybe it was the fact that he never called and no longer bothered with the excuses.
Should have had my head checked then.

It took me sitting on my bed fully dressed waiting for him to call, to knock back to reality.
I waited for about a month for that call. Hilarious now but back then it hurt, really hurt.

He left the country and did not bother to tell me, the woman he was sleeping with. I would not have known he had left if he had not said he had just come back!

Unfortunately the first one turned out to be an asshole. The thing about that is you do not get over him as easily as you have others before.

I could bore some poor soul somewhere with all the details but it is just not worth it.

It ended and I learnt how to not answer that call, not give in to the temptation to respond.

He broke me a bit there but. I am not out yet.

Now creep, leave me alone!

Ten ways to loose the way - part 3

First thing in the morning, I got myself the pill. This was fast becoming the week of the first times. I wondered if every girl went through this. Did the day after, make you feel so awful.

He messaged later asking how I was feeling. I ranted about the events of the morning and how awful and unsure I felt. Did he seem a wee bit unconcerned or had I got the paranoia too.

He did not get in touch for almost three days. Note, I am not the kind of girl who does the panic mode just because a guy has not called for a few days or weeks. But, he was the only one I could talk to about what happened. He was turning me to the waiting on type. Could I hate him any more than I did then?

Used was never a word I would use on myself but there was no other that as it did, now.
At last I threw away my womanly pride and self respect and called him. He told me that he had been so busy that he truly did not have time to call but he wanted to call. it would have been so funny if it was not me on the other side of the call.
Oh did I mention that he was from watching football but could not lift his cell phone and dial a number.

I should have made the pain stop then but I, like most girls, have a problem with letting go. Maybe it is true, you never forget the first person. Funnily, I knew he had made the hit and he was searching for a way out. I knew that but I still could not stop.

I hanged up and my body was shaking. I was furious with him but more with me. I was hurt and I was in pain. I had to suck it up, literally. I had to act normal; I could not let anyone find out about my secret. I could not show the sadness.

You would think this betrayal would keep me away from him. But, he called and I once again ignored my better judgement. He said he wanted to take me out for coffee. I thought that is a real date or looks like one and I wanted so much to be not so wrong.

On that day, I prepared myself and I was smiling. He kept me waiting for four hours, needless to say I was not smiling when I saw him. He had a meeting, he said. He is sorry, he added.

We went for coffee. We talked about things that I had no business discussing with him. He gave plenty of reasons to wake up from this nightmare but I am clearly the one who would not shake me awake. After coffee, he asked to go with him to the office to pick up something and I can see it too. I thought okay, that should be quick.

I have nightmares about that office even now. How could I agree to the floor and the office? If I thought I was disappointing earlier, I was clearly wrong. I would never be able to forgive that one. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.

I was possessed by the devil; of that I am convinced.
Back home, the soap would not wash away the disgust, the feelings of unworthiness and the cheapness.
I could not cry. I really could not cry!

Ten ways to loose the way - part 2

“You promised and you can not back out now”
He made it sound like an accusation. He made me feel unreliable and untrustworthy. Or, was I just giving myself a reason to go through with this mistake. I knew I would give in. I was going through with it.
“Am coming...”

As I put the phone down, the dread set in. the nagging voice asking me if I was sure, was on overdrive. I suppressed it all. This was my mistake to make. It was done.
I went to him.

I did not want to go through the pre-dance. I could not change my mind so why make myself think that I could.
“Let’s just go back to your place”
I could not stand the waiting; the sacrificial lamb feeling which I did not deserve. I had a choice to say no and I had decided I will not use that option.

You know how the romance novels depict love making as the most amazing feeling in the world. Well, I no longer read them or rather I am not sure they tell the whole truth.
When he said can I kiss you, I thought that it was romantic for him to ask. But the touches afterward made me feel cheap. I know it is a strange thing to say especially if this is the obvious ending to a love story. I hate obvious endings.

I have always pictured my first time as being the single most fantastic moment of my life. But there I was going through the most excruciating pain of my life and the man doing the deed grunting. I was sickened and I wanted it to stop.
I kept thinking this is so overrated.
I hated it and I hated him.

I had spent almost three decades saving myself for this moment? It felt so wrong and ugly that I knew then that I have probably made the worst decision of my life.

When he stopped, I just wanted him out of me and off me. Then I needed to wash and throw up until the feeling of disgust went away.

“Wasn’t it great for you baby?” he had quite the balls to ask.
I did not know what to say. I hated it and I thought it was either a lie or he just did a bad job. That was not love making.

As I looked up to his face, I wondered how I could like this guy and feel repulsed by his touch. I had to get out of that room before I screamed at me and at the world but mostly to me, the fool.

After the shower, I felt better and nicer. He drove me home, kissed me and he was gone.
I went right to my room and slept or at least pretended to. I stayed up all night. I chastised myself for doing what I did then I went though the panic stage. What if some little swimmer had gotten through and I am pregnant. What if, what if.........

Ten ways to loose the way - part 1

So Innocent!

So like every girl in the planet, it turns out I am very capable of being very stupid. Quite disappointing and tiring. So I let my insecurities and loneliness turn into the chic. The girl who throws away all integrity for a man. I am thinking Vanessa teaming up with chuck bass to get Nate. And just how lost can I get? Let’s see...

It started with the messages. Just friends and just getting to know each other. Then came the obsession to constantly talk. Then the message etiquette line crossed. I felt like we had known each other forever. We understood each other. I wanted to feed (this statement sounds like the appropriate description). I was disillusioned by the world not so familiar to me and I needed something to obsess over. Though in my case, it was someone to obsess over.

“Hello!” I was quiet surprised to get Ce’s phone call and so early in the morning.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I am fine. Why are you asking?”
For those who I have failed in their quest to date me, you know that I love morning messages and phone calls. So I loved the early morning attention.
“I thought you are angry with me. Are you?” He asked. He sounded nervous and worried.
I explained that I was serious about taking some time off from the phone romance because it was getting a little too obsessive for me.
“I miss you and I do not want to take time off from us.” Those words made me smile or grin. I felt happy and excited and he added that he apologizes for acting like a jealous boyfriend whose girlfriend had slept out. My already weak resolve to stop a mistake before its done washed away.

I enjoyed the attention and the feelings I had. And In order to stay on that high, I ignored all the obvious signs. As time went by I was the one who had to keep those lines of communication open and he will have so many excuses on why he no longer paid that much attention. Come to think of it some of those excuses were outright ridiculous.
“I was in the countryside and had no access to the phone or internet.”
I was very Naïve and a little desperate. I looked down on myself and I could not read my mind. What was I thinking?

Somehow I managed to wean myself off him or so I thought. When he called and said we are going to meet at last, I was back on breast milk. The anticipation and the need was back. I knew even then that I am about to make a major mistake but somehow it was like I was watching myself self-destruct. If I had stopped for just a second I might have warned myself of the dangers of my behavior. Wait a minute, I did stop! I wanted to be crazy, to do something that was not me.

He came to town. He promised that I will be the first person he calls when he jets in. if that was true, how come he was already rested when he called? I am quite the sleuth now but when it mattered I was terrifyingly unintelligent.

I met him for lunch. He was not exactly as I pictured. In fact if it was not for I already knew him, I would not be attracted to him at all. He looked young for his ears, hated his teeth but he had a pleasant enough case. I had thought of him as a short guy but it turned out he was okay, a little taller than me. I hated his clothes. Linen pants were and are still ugly for anyone. We had an okay talk during lunch, checked each other out and maybe approved.

That night he told me that he had wanted to jump me so badly during lunch. I giggled!
“Remember what I promised you?”
No, I said but I remembered perfectly what he had promised to do to me. It would have been completely inappropriate if it wasn’t absolute turn-on.
I ended up agreeing to the meeting. When the phone went, I felt a shiver run through me. I was scared and then I was excited and then I was hopeless.

I knew it even then.