Ten ways to loose the way - part 3

First thing in the morning, I got myself the pill. This was fast becoming the week of the first times. I wondered if every girl went through this. Did the day after, make you feel so awful.

He messaged later asking how I was feeling. I ranted about the events of the morning and how awful and unsure I felt. Did he seem a wee bit unconcerned or had I got the paranoia too.

He did not get in touch for almost three days. Note, I am not the kind of girl who does the panic mode just because a guy has not called for a few days or weeks. But, he was the only one I could talk to about what happened. He was turning me to the waiting on type. Could I hate him any more than I did then?

Used was never a word I would use on myself but there was no other that as it did, now.
At last I threw away my womanly pride and self respect and called him. He told me that he had been so busy that he truly did not have time to call but he wanted to call. it would have been so funny if it was not me on the other side of the call.
Oh did I mention that he was from watching football but could not lift his cell phone and dial a number.

I should have made the pain stop then but I, like most girls, have a problem with letting go. Maybe it is true, you never forget the first person. Funnily, I knew he had made the hit and he was searching for a way out. I knew that but I still could not stop.

I hanged up and my body was shaking. I was furious with him but more with me. I was hurt and I was in pain. I had to suck it up, literally. I had to act normal; I could not let anyone find out about my secret. I could not show the sadness.

You would think this betrayal would keep me away from him. But, he called and I once again ignored my better judgement. He said he wanted to take me out for coffee. I thought that is a real date or looks like one and I wanted so much to be not so wrong.

On that day, I prepared myself and I was smiling. He kept me waiting for four hours, needless to say I was not smiling when I saw him. He had a meeting, he said. He is sorry, he added.

We went for coffee. We talked about things that I had no business discussing with him. He gave plenty of reasons to wake up from this nightmare but I am clearly the one who would not shake me awake. After coffee, he asked to go with him to the office to pick up something and I can see it too. I thought okay, that should be quick.

I have nightmares about that office even now. How could I agree to the floor and the office? If I thought I was disappointing earlier, I was clearly wrong. I would never be able to forgive that one. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.

I was possessed by the devil; of that I am convinced.
Back home, the soap would not wash away the disgust, the feelings of unworthiness and the cheapness.
I could not cry. I really could not cry!